We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
