Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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