drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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