Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
