so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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