i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
