Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
