you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
