i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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