Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
