you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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