I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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