Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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