if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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