I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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