doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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