my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
