i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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