I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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