Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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