Little spoons don't ask big questions
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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