gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
