Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It was confusing and full of hummus
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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