I got chris browned last night
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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