i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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