I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
