So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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