dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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