Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
