I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
