my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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