He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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