I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
