I like to think it a success when the cops are called
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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