4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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