I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
