you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
