If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
