I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
