NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
His nipple licking is glorious
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