I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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