Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
