i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
