I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
