no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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