the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drake has all the answers
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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