the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
