It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
