you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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