I smell stomach acid.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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