I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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