I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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