This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
