I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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