We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
