They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."