If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing