I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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