the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
where am i from again
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.