captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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